Exhausted

It's a tormentous period for me..ish...really that bad?Erm I guess so!

Seriously, I don't even know where I'm heading to right now. My mind is so fixated on the idea that I'm leaving the company. I have no mood to do the things which I've always loved doing. I used to be very "semangat" (passionate) about my work and I've been dubbed a workoholic.I was at the pinnacle, top of the world and I love my job.

There are times when "my system" were tested but knowing me, I took it as part and parcel of life. The truth is, I guess I'm naive at times (or most of the times)
It comes to the point where others took advantage of me (work wise!), I was just too nice to almost everyone and it's hard for me to say "NO!"
But soon I realised, I cared so much for others but do they care about what I do, my feelings? It's an ugly world, a dog-eat-dog world and reality check, it stays this way whether I like it or not.

Ooo...digress a bit ah!
Finally, I've just installed the new flashplayer and I get to surf my soccernet webpage with ease......
I don't subscribe to the sports channel because mum said it's a waste of money (eyes rolling) so to get my updates,I log on to soccernet.com to get the updates and they do update you on the scoreline as the match is being played. Besides, it keeps me updated of who's who, who's being sold, who's being knocked out. Otherwise, atuk will update me on the matches or scorelines and he normally exaggerates when it comes to Manchester United matches (devils fan mah!)

Ok, where was I?

Yes, it's a dog eat dog world out there, the survival of the fittest! I no longer see the spark, the light is getting dimmer, there's no beacon of light paving its way for me to improve. I have the chance to but too many things seems to be holding me back. I'm just not happy anymore. I need to seek my own happiness, it needs to be pursued.

Besides facing personal problems within the family, other reasons for me leaving the company is because: I'm not happy. I'm angry say half the time but I become a different person once I see my children coming to class. The hugs, cuddles and kisses brightens up my day no matter how crazy they can be at times. As I learn to know more about my children, they are also learning more about me.

My colleagues used to tell me that, "Oh Ezan, one of the craziest and funniest (not to mention lame as well!) teacher we have in school." Now that they have stop calling me that because I'm quitting, the children are calling me that. Bella kept telling her mates that "Oh, Ms Ezan you're so funny. You're just so funny. You always make me laugh and you make everyone laugh!"

Now, what does that indicate? Yes....my children are happy with me. They are happy with what I do in school and they are absolutely grateful and content. Yes, some may grudge whenever I gave them the "don't mess with me look" but at the end of the day, they'll come and embrace, thanking me for the day in school. Once they're gone, I'm a sad goon once again.

Once I leave the school, I'm a happy person once again because I get to meet Fazli. We have been meeting everyday for the past 2 weeks and yes, some of my colleagues have expressed their concern. The thing is, we just spent a good one hour or two with one another since we are staying quite close to one another. Well, say what you want to say, we're doing nothing wrong. We do have our separate moments whereby he'll be at home taking care of his dad and I'll be doing my own things such as going jogging, hitting around, solitary shopping (ceh ceh!).

So, we do give space to one another.
But lately, I've been complaining to him that I feel that I'm getting too lazy He told me I'm overworked and I'm super exhausted. Maybe I am...I'm not sure. Speaking of which, I have yet to update my lesson plan and my unit of enquiry. Arrrggghhh...I'm feeling grouchy. I'm so sick and tired of everything!